Vittigheder om computere og programmering
Dette er en blandet landhandel af vittigheder om computere og programmering indsamlet over årene. En del af dem er så gamle, at de kun giver mening for de lidt ældre af os.
God fornøjelse
Michael
IN THE BEGINNING...
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:God
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Hvis bilen var som en computer
Det forlyder fra en ikke særlig pålidelig kilde, at Bill Gates på en stor computermesse for nylig sammenlignede computerindustrien med bilindustrien og sagde:
Hvis General Motors havde fulgt med teknologiens udvikling på samme måde som computerindustrien, så ville vi allesammen køre rundt i biler til 150 kr., der kunne køre 400 km på literen.
Som svar på Bill Gates bemærkning udsendte General Motors en pressemeddelelse med ordlyden:
Hvis General Motors havde udviklet en teknologi som Microsofts, ville vi alle køre rundt i biler med følgende egenskaber:
PC-kvinder
HARDDISK-KVINDEN
Hun husker alt, FOR EVIGT!
RAM-KVINDEN
Hun glemmer dig, så snart hun ikke er tændt mere.
WINDOWS-KVINDEN
Alle ved at hun ikke kan gøre noget korrekt, men ingen kan leve uden hende.
EXCEL-KVINDEN
Det siges, hun kan en masse dejlige ting, men du bruger hende kun til de fire mest basale behov.
SCREENSAVER-KVINDEN
Hun kan intet, men hun ser i det mindste godt ud!
INTERNET-KVINDEN
Svær at få adgang til.
SERVER-KVINDEN
Altid optaget når du har brug for hende.
MULTIMEDIA-KVINDEN
Hun får frygtelige ting til at se godt ud.
PC-HØJTTALER-KVINDEN
Der kommer intet ud af hende, der er værd at høre på.
FLADSKÆRMS-KVINDEN
Lækker og tynd - men ALT for dyr i anskaffelse.
TASTATUR-KVINDEN
Du tror, du taster på alle de rigtige taster, men hun har en HELT anden opfattelse!
FLOPPYDISK-KVINDEN
Lille, handy og billig i anskaffelse, men har absolut ingen fremtid.
CD-ROM-KVINDEN
Det bliver hurtigere og hurtigere overstået...
VIRUS-KVINDEN
Også kendt som "HUSTRU"; når du ikke venter hende, kommer hun og installerer sig selv og bruger alle dine ressourcer. Hvis du prøver at afinstallere hende mister du ALT!
En mand står op en solskinsfyldt søndag formiddag, og vander sin have da hans nabo, en veldrejet blondine pludselig kommer marcherende ud af sin hoveddør. Hun går målrettet hen mod postkassen, åbner den, kigger ind i den og smækker så irriteret lågen i igen og går ind. Kort efter kommer hun igen marcherende ud går hen til postkassen, åbner lågen,og kigger ind og smækker den så irriteret i igen. Der går 10 min. og blondinen kommer så denne gang meget irriterende ud af sin hoveddør. Går hen til postkassen, flår den op, og smækker den i med et brag.
Manden der ikke længere kan styre sin nysgerrighed, spørger blondinen hvad der er galt.
"Det er min åndsvage computer, den bliver ved at skrive til mig at jeg har fået post!"
Samtale mellem Hotline og Hr. Jensen
- Hotline, goddag.
- Goddag, mit navn er Eg Jensen. Jeg har et problem med min computer.
- Hvilket problem, Hr. Eg Jensen
- Der mangler en tast på mit tastatur.
- Hvilken tast mangler?
- Det er 'æniki - tasten, der mangler.
- Hvad skal du bruge den til, Hr Eg Jensen?
- Programmet siger, jeg skal bruge den.
- Hvad er det for et program?
- Det ved jeg ikke, men den skrev, at jeg skulle trykke på "æniki"-tasten. Jeg har allerede prøvet med ctrl, alt og tasten til store bogstaver, men den reagerer overhoved ikke.
- Hvad står der på din monitor, Eg Jensen?
- Der står en blomstervase.
- Nej, du skal læse, hvad der står på monitoren.
- Der står "i b m" med store bogstaver.
- Nej Hr Jensen, jeg mener hvad står der direkte på din skærm.
- Mener du lampeskærm? Jeg går lige hen og ser efter.
(lidt senere)
- Nu har jeg set efter, men der står ikke noget.
- Hr. Jensen, kig på monitoren, og læs for mig nøjagtigt, hvad der står skrevet derpå.
- Nå sådan - du mener... - det må du undskylde. Der står: (Eg Jensen staver) "P l e a s e p r e s s a n y k e y t o c o n t i n u e".
- Nå sådan, du mener "any key"-tasten. Din computer taler engelsk.
- Nej, den gør ikke. Når den siger noget, piber den bare.
- Tryk på Enter-tasten.
- Så, nu fungerer det. Det var altså"æniki"-tasten. Det kunne man godt have skrevet derpå. Godt, hvordan kan jeg afslutte dette program, så jeg kan arbejde videre?
- Ja - først er du nødt til at gå ud.
- Godt, lige et øjeblik.
- Nej Hr. Jensen, bliv ved telefonen, jeg mener... Hr Eg Jensen!!! Hallo - Hallo.
(lidt senere)
- Ja, så er jeg her igen. Jeg kunne næsten ikke høre dig ude på gaden.
- Du skulle jo heller ikke gå ned på gaden. Jeg ville jo bare have dig til at lukke vinduet.
- Hvorfor har du ikke sagt det straks. Vent lidt...
- Hr. Jensen!!! - Hallo - Hallo.
(lidt senere)
- Ja, nu er jeg her igen, skal jeg også lukke døren?
- Nej Hr. Jensen. Det du skulle gøre, var bare at lukke programmet, men jeg tror det er bedre, hvis du også trækker stikket ud.
- Mener du...?
- Stop, Hr Eg Jensen, det var bare en spøg!
- Alt i orden, nu er det trukket ud. Hallo-Hallo -er du der? Komisk, nu er telefonen også død. Altså de Hotline-folk, de aner altså heller ingenting.
Hej kundeservice,
Sidste år opgraderede jeg fra Kæreste 5.0 til Ægtemand 1.0, men jeg noterede mig en del mangler ved opgraderingen. Frem for alt forsvandt blomster- og smykkeprogrammet, som ellers fungerede fint med Kæreste 5.0.
Desuden er en række andre værdifulde programmer blevet afinstalleret med Ægtemand 1.0, eksempelvis Forelskelse 9.9. Desuden har Ægtemand 1.0 installeret en del uønskede programmer såsom Tipslørdag 5.0 og Dagens Double 3.5.
Programmet Samtale 8.0 fungerer heller ikke længere, ligesom Hovedrengøring 2.6 lukker ned hele tiden.
Jeg har forgæves forsøgt at køre programmet Klag og Klynk 5.3 for at løse problemet.
Hilsen
Desperat
Svar:
Hej Desperat,
Du bør tænke på, at Kæreste 5.0 er et underholdningsprogram, mens Ægtemand 1.0 er et styresystem. Men du kan prøve at indtaste kommandoen C:/JEG TROEDE AT DU ELSKEDE MIG i kommandolinjen.
Kør desuden Tårer 6.2. Så skulle Ægtemand gerne automatisk køre Skyldfølelse 3.0 og Blomster 7.0. Men pas på ikke at køre den for ofte, for så kan Ægtemand 1.0 komme til at køre Gnaven 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 og Øl 6.1. Sidstnævnte kan give ubehagelige problemer, da det skaber såkaldte "Snorke højt"-lydfiler.
Pas især på med at lave en dum fejl: Installér IKKE Svigermor 1.0. Du bør også holde dig fra at installere tidligere versioner af Kæreste. Disse er ikke understøttet Ægtemand 1.0 og vil forårsage et nedbrud.
Slutteligt skal du vide, at Ægtemand 1.0 er et fantastisk program, på trods af dets dårlige hukommelseskapacitet og begrænsede evner til at lære nye funktioner. Overvej at købe tredjepartssoftware for at forbedre ydeevnen. Vi anbefaler også, at du installerer Madlavning 3.0 og Sexet Undertøj 5.3.
Held og lykke!
Teknisk Support
Kære Teknisk Brevkasse
Sidste år opgraderede jeg fra Kæreste 7.0 til Kone 1.0 og bemærkede, at det nye program straks begyndte at lægge op til børn, og det tog en masse tid og brugte en masse ressourcer. Det stod der ikke noget om i produktspecifikationen for programmet. Oven i købet så installerer Kone 1.0 sig selv i alle andre programmer og dukker straks op, når jeg starter computeren, og det overvåger alle mine aktiviteter.
Gamle programmer såsom Pokeraften 10.3, Druk fest 2.5 og Søndagsfodbold 5.0 virker ikke mere, men får tværtimod systemet til at gå ned, når jeg vælger dem.
Det er umuligt for mig at holde Kone 1.0 i baggrunden, mens jeg forsøger at bruge nogle af mine programmer.
Jeg overvejer at gå tilbage til Kæreste 7.0, men jeg kan ikke engang afinstallere Kone 1.0. Kan I hjælpe mig?
På forhånd tak.
Forvirret og Frustreret.
Svar:
Kære FF.
Dit problem er meget almindeligt, og mange klager over det samme, men det skyldes hovedsagelig en misforståelse.
Der er mange mænd, der opgraderer fra kæreste 7.0 til Kone 1.0, fordi de tror, at Kone 1.0 hovedsagelig er et nytte- og underholdningsprogram. Der tager de fleste fejl.!!!
Kone 1.0 er et styresystem, som er designet til at styre alt. Det er umuligt at fjerne Kone 1.0 for at vende tilbage til Kæreste 7.0, når det først er installeret. Nogle har prøvet at installere Kæreste 8.0 eller Kone 2.0, men de endte med at få flere problemer, end de før havde med Kone 1.0.
Vi anbefaler, at du beholder Kone 1.0 og får det bedste ud af situationen. Du kan evt. læse hele kapitel 6 i din manual "Almindelige Program Fejl". Systemet vil køre perfekt, så længe du tager hele ansvaret for alle Almindelige Program Fejl, lige meget hvad de skyldes. Det bedste du kan gøre er straks at skrive: \UNDSKYLD inden problemløsning. I alle tilfælde må du undgå at bruge Escape-tasten, for du vil alligevel være nødt til at bruge kommandoen: \UNDSKYLD, før styresystemet vender tilbage til normal.
Kone 1.0 er et storartet program, men det kræver en høj grad af vedligeholdelse. Du kan overveje at købe mere software for at forbedre ydeevnen. Vi anbefaler Blomster 2.1, Chokolade 5.0 eller i ekstreme tilfælde softwarepakken Pels 2000.
Men du må under ingen omstændigheder installere Veninde i Mini Skørt 3.3. Dette program understøttes ikke af Kone 1.0 og vil sandsynligvis få din computer til at gå i sort.
Med venlig hilsen
Teknisk Brevkasse
Systemadministratoren har bestemt, at der ikke længere er brug for support til netværk eller programmer. Målet er at have alle computere fjernet fra arbejdsbordene inden januar 2000. I stedet vil alle medarbejdere få udleveret en lille rød "tegnemaskine" fra Fætter BR, hvor man med to drejeknapper kan lave figurer på skærmen. Her er de største fordele ved dette skift:
1. Intet år 2000 problem.
2. Ingen tekniske uheld, der kan hindre arbejdet i at blive udført.
3. Ikke mere spildt tid med at læse og skrive e-mails.
Her følger et udsnit af de "Oftest Stillede Spørgsmål" til Teknisk Support om tegnemaskinen:
Spørgsmål: Min tegnemaskine har en helt masse underlige streger over hele skærmen.
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan slukker jeg for min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvad er genvejstasten til "Fortryd"?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan åbner jeg et nyt dokument-vindue?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan indstiller jeg forgrunden og baggrunden til den samme farve?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvad er den rigtige fremgangsmåde for at genstarte min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan sletter jeg et dokument på min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan gemmer jeg et dokument på min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Lad være med at ryste den.
CSS-vittigheder
#australia {
transform: rotateY(180deg);
}
#autobots {
transform: translate3d();
}
.bambis-mom {
cursor: crosshair;
orphans: 1;
}
#bermuda-triangle {
display: none;
}
#big-bang::before {
content: "";
}
.bruce-banner {
color: pink;
transition: color 10s;
}
.bruce-banner.the-hulk {
color: green;
}
#china {
border-top-style: solid;
}
#chucknorris {
color: #BADA55;
}
.defibrillator {
clear: both;
}
.delorean {
z-index: -1955;
}
#europe .country {
border: none;
}
.fear {
display: none;
}
gangsta-rap {
word-spacing: 0;
}
.government {
transition: all 4yr ease-out;
}
.hobbit {
height: 50%;
}
.hobbit #foot {
width: 200%;
}
#ikea {
display: table;
}
.illuminati {
position: absolute;
visibility: hidden;
}
.infinity-edge-pools {
overflow: hidden;
}
.invisibility-cloak + #harry-potter {
visibility: hidden;
}
.invisibility-cloak + #mad-eye-moody {
visibility: visible !important;
}
#lego {
display: block;
}
.leprechaun {
height: 20%;
color: green;
display: none;
}
#moses > .sea {
column-count: 2;
}
#muscles {
display: flex;
}
.ninja {
visibility: hidden;
color: black;
}
#nsa {
opacity: 1;
}
.obese {
width: 200%;
overflow: visible;
}
.oliver-queen {
cursor: arrow;
}
#periodic {
display: table;
}
.religious-upbringing {
perspective: inherit;
}
.rich-people {
top: 1%;
}
.working-class {
bottom: 99%;
}
.samsung {
@extend apple;
}
#rip {
bottom: -6912px;
/* 6912px = 6 feet */
}
.single-lane-road {
width: auto;
}
.sniper-mode-engaged {
cursor: crosshair;
}
#titanic {
float: none;
}
#tower-of-pisa {
font-style: italic;
}
.usa > .marijuana-laws {
#usa + #mexico {
border: 1px dashed;
}
.wife {
right: 100%;
margin: 0%;
}
.yomama {
width: 99999999px;
}
99 little bugs in the code.
99 little bugs.
Take one down, patch it around.
127 little bugs in the code...
Redneck Computer Terms:
BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick
CACHE - Neede when you run out of food stamps
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Juniors party univited
DIGITAL - The art of countining on you fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
Computer acronyms:
PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defective Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO = Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Error Explains:
DOS Error #01: Windows loading, come back tomorrow
DOS Error #02: Windows loaded. System in danger
DOS Error #03: Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes!
Windows Error #01: No error... yet.
Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused.
Windows Error #03: Unexplaind error.
Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes
Windows Error #05: Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
Windows Error #06: Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #07: Door locked. Try control-alt-delete
Windows Error #08: Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
Windows Error #09: Mouse not found. Press mouse button to continue.
Windows Error #09: Game Over. Exiting Windows.
Win95 Error #01: Insufficient money spent in hardware.
You know you have been using the computer too much...
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number.
- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
- When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
- When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
Computer vira:
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves some, but IT WILL BE BAAAACK...
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you how great service your getting.
Clinton virus: Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory...
Congressional virus: Computer locks up screens split vertically with a message on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with yor compuetyer,ewe just can't figyour out watt.
Dan Quayle virus v.2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes with out joining into a binary network.
Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy...
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files...
Ellen Degeneres virus: Disks can no longer be inserted...
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush Virus: It stats by boldly stating 'read my text...no new files' on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the congress virus.
George Bush Virus (Japanese strain): Eats some of your files, then immediatly regergitiates them.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your program can never be found again.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files...
Joke Virus: Poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer then e-mails everyone about what it did...
Lorena Bobbit virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows...
Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
MCI virus: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that your paying to much for the AT&T virus.
Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after two bytes...
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care...
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right to life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a councilor about possible alternatives.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves our data, but forgets where it is stored...
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componet of your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Viagra virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy...
Windows is not a virus:
Here's what viruses do:
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So there! Windows is NOT a virus.
Programming languages as "Shooting Yourself in the Foot":
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot/
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o No such file or directory % ls %
XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to to do it, but the syntax doesn't alow it to explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
God fornøjelse
Michael
IN THE BEGINNING...
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:God
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Hvis bilen var som en computer
Det forlyder fra en ikke særlig pålidelig kilde, at Bill Gates på en stor computermesse for nylig sammenlignede computerindustrien med bilindustrien og sagde:
Hvis General Motors havde fulgt med teknologiens udvikling på samme måde som computerindustrien, så ville vi allesammen køre rundt i biler til 150 kr., der kunne køre 400 km på literen.
Som svar på Bill Gates bemærkning udsendte General Motors en pressemeddelelse med ordlyden:
Hvis General Motors havde udviklet en teknologi som Microsofts, ville vi alle køre rundt i biler med følgende egenskaber:
- Bilen ville bryde sammen 2 gange om dagen uden nogen som helst grund.
- Hver gang der blev malet nye striber på vejene, ville man være nødt til at købe en ny bil.
- Ind imellem ville bilen gå i stå på motorvejen, uden nogen som helst grund. Man ville blive nødt til at skubbe den ind til siden, lukke alle vinduerne, slukke for motoren, starte den igen og derefter åbne alle vinduer igen for at kunne fortsætte kørslen. Og det ville man bare acceptere uden at vide hvorfor.
- Indimellem ville en manøvre som for eksempel et venstresving få bilen til at gå i stå og nægte at starte igen. I sådanne tilfælde ville man blive nødt til at geninstallere motoren.
- Macintosh ville have designet en bil, der kørte på solenergi, var pålidelig, fem gange så hurtig og dobbelt så nem at køre, men som kun ville kunne køre på 5 pct. af vejene.
- Alarmlamperne for olie- og benzinbeholdning samt vandtemperatur ville være erstattet af en enkelt advarselslampe med ordlyden: Denne bil har udført en ulovlig handling.
- Airbag-systemet ville spørge: Er du sikker? Før det ville blive udløst.
- Indimellem ville man uden nogen som helst grund ikke kunne komme ind i sin bil, før man løftede dørhåndtaget, samtidig med at man drejede nøglen i låsen og holdt fast i radioantennen.
- Hver gang der blev lanceret en ny bilmodel, ville alle køberne være nødt til at tage køretimer igen, for ingen af funktionerne ville være magen til dem i deres gamle model.
- Man ville skulle trykke på startknappen for at slå motoren fra.
PC-kvinder
HARDDISK-KVINDEN
Hun husker alt, FOR EVIGT!
RAM-KVINDEN
Hun glemmer dig, så snart hun ikke er tændt mere.
WINDOWS-KVINDEN
Alle ved at hun ikke kan gøre noget korrekt, men ingen kan leve uden hende.
EXCEL-KVINDEN
Det siges, hun kan en masse dejlige ting, men du bruger hende kun til de fire mest basale behov.
SCREENSAVER-KVINDEN
Hun kan intet, men hun ser i det mindste godt ud!
INTERNET-KVINDEN
Svær at få adgang til.
SERVER-KVINDEN
Altid optaget når du har brug for hende.
MULTIMEDIA-KVINDEN
Hun får frygtelige ting til at se godt ud.
PC-HØJTTALER-KVINDEN
Der kommer intet ud af hende, der er værd at høre på.
FLADSKÆRMS-KVINDEN
Lækker og tynd - men ALT for dyr i anskaffelse.
TASTATUR-KVINDEN
Du tror, du taster på alle de rigtige taster, men hun har en HELT anden opfattelse!
FLOPPYDISK-KVINDEN
Lille, handy og billig i anskaffelse, men har absolut ingen fremtid.
CD-ROM-KVINDEN
Det bliver hurtigere og hurtigere overstået...
VIRUS-KVINDEN
Også kendt som "HUSTRU"; når du ikke venter hende, kommer hun og installerer sig selv og bruger alle dine ressourcer. Hvis du prøver at afinstallere hende mister du ALT!
En mand står op en solskinsfyldt søndag formiddag, og vander sin have da hans nabo, en veldrejet blondine pludselig kommer marcherende ud af sin hoveddør. Hun går målrettet hen mod postkassen, åbner den, kigger ind i den og smækker så irriteret lågen i igen og går ind. Kort efter kommer hun igen marcherende ud går hen til postkassen, åbner lågen,og kigger ind og smækker den så irriteret i igen. Der går 10 min. og blondinen kommer så denne gang meget irriterende ud af sin hoveddør. Går hen til postkassen, flår den op, og smækker den i med et brag.
Manden der ikke længere kan styre sin nysgerrighed, spørger blondinen hvad der er galt.
"Det er min åndsvage computer, den bliver ved at skrive til mig at jeg har fået post!"
Samtale mellem Hotline og Hr. Jensen
- Hotline, goddag.
- Goddag, mit navn er Eg Jensen. Jeg har et problem med min computer.
- Hvilket problem, Hr. Eg Jensen
- Der mangler en tast på mit tastatur.
- Hvilken tast mangler?
- Det er 'æniki - tasten, der mangler.
- Hvad skal du bruge den til, Hr Eg Jensen?
- Programmet siger, jeg skal bruge den.
- Hvad er det for et program?
- Det ved jeg ikke, men den skrev, at jeg skulle trykke på "æniki"-tasten. Jeg har allerede prøvet med ctrl, alt og tasten til store bogstaver, men den reagerer overhoved ikke.
- Hvad står der på din monitor, Eg Jensen?
- Der står en blomstervase.
- Nej, du skal læse, hvad der står på monitoren.
- Der står "i b m" med store bogstaver.
- Nej Hr Jensen, jeg mener hvad står der direkte på din skærm.
- Mener du lampeskærm? Jeg går lige hen og ser efter.
(lidt senere)
- Nu har jeg set efter, men der står ikke noget.
- Hr. Jensen, kig på monitoren, og læs for mig nøjagtigt, hvad der står skrevet derpå.
- Nå sådan - du mener... - det må du undskylde. Der står: (Eg Jensen staver) "P l e a s e p r e s s a n y k e y t o c o n t i n u e".
- Nå sådan, du mener "any key"-tasten. Din computer taler engelsk.
- Nej, den gør ikke. Når den siger noget, piber den bare.
- Tryk på Enter-tasten.
- Så, nu fungerer det. Det var altså"æniki"-tasten. Det kunne man godt have skrevet derpå. Godt, hvordan kan jeg afslutte dette program, så jeg kan arbejde videre?
- Ja - først er du nødt til at gå ud.
- Godt, lige et øjeblik.
- Nej Hr. Jensen, bliv ved telefonen, jeg mener... Hr Eg Jensen!!! Hallo - Hallo.
(lidt senere)
- Ja, så er jeg her igen. Jeg kunne næsten ikke høre dig ude på gaden.
- Du skulle jo heller ikke gå ned på gaden. Jeg ville jo bare have dig til at lukke vinduet.
- Hvorfor har du ikke sagt det straks. Vent lidt...
- Hr. Jensen!!! - Hallo - Hallo.
(lidt senere)
- Ja, nu er jeg her igen, skal jeg også lukke døren?
- Nej Hr. Jensen. Det du skulle gøre, var bare at lukke programmet, men jeg tror det er bedre, hvis du også trækker stikket ud.
- Mener du...?
- Stop, Hr Eg Jensen, det var bare en spøg!
- Alt i orden, nu er det trukket ud. Hallo-Hallo -er du der? Komisk, nu er telefonen også død. Altså de Hotline-folk, de aner altså heller ingenting.
Hej kundeservice,
Sidste år opgraderede jeg fra Kæreste 5.0 til Ægtemand 1.0, men jeg noterede mig en del mangler ved opgraderingen. Frem for alt forsvandt blomster- og smykkeprogrammet, som ellers fungerede fint med Kæreste 5.0.
Desuden er en række andre værdifulde programmer blevet afinstalleret med Ægtemand 1.0, eksempelvis Forelskelse 9.9. Desuden har Ægtemand 1.0 installeret en del uønskede programmer såsom Tipslørdag 5.0 og Dagens Double 3.5.
Programmet Samtale 8.0 fungerer heller ikke længere, ligesom Hovedrengøring 2.6 lukker ned hele tiden.
Jeg har forgæves forsøgt at køre programmet Klag og Klynk 5.3 for at løse problemet.
Hilsen
Desperat
Svar:
Hej Desperat,
Du bør tænke på, at Kæreste 5.0 er et underholdningsprogram, mens Ægtemand 1.0 er et styresystem. Men du kan prøve at indtaste kommandoen C:/JEG TROEDE AT DU ELSKEDE MIG i kommandolinjen.
Kør desuden Tårer 6.2. Så skulle Ægtemand gerne automatisk køre Skyldfølelse 3.0 og Blomster 7.0. Men pas på ikke at køre den for ofte, for så kan Ægtemand 1.0 komme til at køre Gnaven 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 og Øl 6.1. Sidstnævnte kan give ubehagelige problemer, da det skaber såkaldte "Snorke højt"-lydfiler.
Pas især på med at lave en dum fejl: Installér IKKE Svigermor 1.0. Du bør også holde dig fra at installere tidligere versioner af Kæreste. Disse er ikke understøttet Ægtemand 1.0 og vil forårsage et nedbrud.
Slutteligt skal du vide, at Ægtemand 1.0 er et fantastisk program, på trods af dets dårlige hukommelseskapacitet og begrænsede evner til at lære nye funktioner. Overvej at købe tredjepartssoftware for at forbedre ydeevnen. Vi anbefaler også, at du installerer Madlavning 3.0 og Sexet Undertøj 5.3.
Held og lykke!
Teknisk Support
Kære Teknisk Brevkasse
Sidste år opgraderede jeg fra Kæreste 7.0 til Kone 1.0 og bemærkede, at det nye program straks begyndte at lægge op til børn, og det tog en masse tid og brugte en masse ressourcer. Det stod der ikke noget om i produktspecifikationen for programmet. Oven i købet så installerer Kone 1.0 sig selv i alle andre programmer og dukker straks op, når jeg starter computeren, og det overvåger alle mine aktiviteter.
Gamle programmer såsom Pokeraften 10.3, Druk fest 2.5 og Søndagsfodbold 5.0 virker ikke mere, men får tværtimod systemet til at gå ned, når jeg vælger dem.
Det er umuligt for mig at holde Kone 1.0 i baggrunden, mens jeg forsøger at bruge nogle af mine programmer.
Jeg overvejer at gå tilbage til Kæreste 7.0, men jeg kan ikke engang afinstallere Kone 1.0. Kan I hjælpe mig?
På forhånd tak.
Forvirret og Frustreret.
Svar:
Kære FF.
Dit problem er meget almindeligt, og mange klager over det samme, men det skyldes hovedsagelig en misforståelse.
Der er mange mænd, der opgraderer fra kæreste 7.0 til Kone 1.0, fordi de tror, at Kone 1.0 hovedsagelig er et nytte- og underholdningsprogram. Der tager de fleste fejl.!!!
Kone 1.0 er et styresystem, som er designet til at styre alt. Det er umuligt at fjerne Kone 1.0 for at vende tilbage til Kæreste 7.0, når det først er installeret. Nogle har prøvet at installere Kæreste 8.0 eller Kone 2.0, men de endte med at få flere problemer, end de før havde med Kone 1.0.
Vi anbefaler, at du beholder Kone 1.0 og får det bedste ud af situationen. Du kan evt. læse hele kapitel 6 i din manual "Almindelige Program Fejl". Systemet vil køre perfekt, så længe du tager hele ansvaret for alle Almindelige Program Fejl, lige meget hvad de skyldes. Det bedste du kan gøre er straks at skrive: \UNDSKYLD inden problemløsning. I alle tilfælde må du undgå at bruge Escape-tasten, for du vil alligevel være nødt til at bruge kommandoen: \UNDSKYLD, før styresystemet vender tilbage til normal.
Kone 1.0 er et storartet program, men det kræver en høj grad af vedligeholdelse. Du kan overveje at købe mere software for at forbedre ydeevnen. Vi anbefaler Blomster 2.1, Chokolade 5.0 eller i ekstreme tilfælde softwarepakken Pels 2000.
Men du må under ingen omstændigheder installere Veninde i Mini Skørt 3.3. Dette program understøttes ikke af Kone 1.0 og vil sandsynligvis få din computer til at gå i sort.
Med venlig hilsen
Teknisk Brevkasse
Systemadministratoren har bestemt, at der ikke længere er brug for support til netværk eller programmer. Målet er at have alle computere fjernet fra arbejdsbordene inden januar 2000. I stedet vil alle medarbejdere få udleveret en lille rød "tegnemaskine" fra Fætter BR, hvor man med to drejeknapper kan lave figurer på skærmen. Her er de største fordele ved dette skift:
1. Intet år 2000 problem.
2. Ingen tekniske uheld, der kan hindre arbejdet i at blive udført.
3. Ikke mere spildt tid med at læse og skrive e-mails.
Her følger et udsnit af de "Oftest Stillede Spørgsmål" til Teknisk Support om tegnemaskinen:
Spørgsmål: Min tegnemaskine har en helt masse underlige streger over hele skærmen.
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan slukker jeg for min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvad er genvejstasten til "Fortryd"?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan åbner jeg et nyt dokument-vindue?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan indstiller jeg forgrunden og baggrunden til den samme farve?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvad er den rigtige fremgangsmåde for at genstarte min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan sletter jeg et dokument på min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Løft den op og ryst den.
Spørgsmål: Hvordan gemmer jeg et dokument på min tegnemaskine?
Løsning: Lad være med at ryste den.
CSS-vittigheder
#australia {
transform: rotateY(180deg);
}
#autobots {
transform: translate3d();
}
.bambis-mom {
cursor: crosshair;
orphans: 1;
}
#bermuda-triangle {
display: none;
}
#big-bang::before {
content: "";
}
.bruce-banner {
color: pink;
transition: color 10s;
}
.bruce-banner.the-hulk {
color: green;
}
#china {
border-top-style: solid;
}
#chucknorris {
color: #BADA55;
}
.defibrillator {
clear: both;
}
.delorean {
z-index: -1955;
}
#europe .country {
border: none;
}
.fear {
display: none;
}
gangsta-rap {
word-spacing: 0;
}
.government {
transition: all 4yr ease-out;
}
.hobbit {
height: 50%;
}
.hobbit #foot {
width: 200%;
}
#ikea {
display: table;
}
.illuminati {
position: absolute;
visibility: hidden;
}
.infinity-edge-pools {
overflow: hidden;
}
.invisibility-cloak + #harry-potter {
visibility: hidden;
}
.invisibility-cloak + #mad-eye-moody {
visibility: visible !important;
}
#lego {
display: block;
}
.leprechaun {
height: 20%;
color: green;
display: none;
}
#moses > .sea {
column-count: 2;
}
#muscles {
display: flex;
}
.ninja {
visibility: hidden;
color: black;
}
#nsa {
opacity: 1;
}
.obese {
width: 200%;
overflow: visible;
}
.oliver-queen {
cursor: arrow;
}
#periodic {
display: table;
}
.religious-upbringing {
perspective: inherit;
}
.rich-people {
top: 1%;
}
.working-class {
bottom: 99%;
}
.samsung {
@extend apple;
}
#rip {
bottom: -6912px;
/* 6912px = 6 feet */
}
.single-lane-road {
width: auto;
}
.sniper-mode-engaged {
cursor: crosshair;
}
#titanic {
float: none;
}
#tower-of-pisa {
font-style: italic;
}
.usa > .marijuana-laws {
.federal {
cursor: not-allowed !important;
.state {
.state {
cursor: wait;
&.AK, &.CO, &.DC, &.OR, &.WA {
&.AK, &.CO, &.DC, &.OR, &.WA {
cursor: progress;
}
}
}
}#usa + #mexico {
border: 1px dashed;
}
.wife {
right: 100%;
margin: 0%;
}
.yomama {
width: 99999999px;
}
99 little bugs in the code.
99 little bugs.
Take one down, patch it around.
127 little bugs in the code...
Redneck Computer Terms:
BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick
CACHE - Neede when you run out of food stamps
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Juniors party univited
DIGITAL - The art of countining on you fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
Computer acronyms:
PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defective Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO = Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Error Explains:
DOS Error #01: Windows loading, come back tomorrow
DOS Error #02: Windows loaded. System in danger
DOS Error #03: Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes!
Windows Error #01: No error... yet.
Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused.
Windows Error #03: Unexplaind error.
Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes
Windows Error #05: Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
Windows Error #06: Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #07: Door locked. Try control-alt-delete
Windows Error #08: Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
Windows Error #09: Mouse not found. Press mouse button to continue.
Windows Error #09: Game Over. Exiting Windows.
Win95 Error #01: Insufficient money spent in hardware.
You know you have been using the computer too much...
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number.
- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
- When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
- When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
Computer vira:
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves some, but IT WILL BE BAAAACK...
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you how great service your getting.
Clinton virus: Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory...
Congressional virus: Computer locks up screens split vertically with a message on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with yor compuetyer,ewe just can't figyour out watt.
Dan Quayle virus v.2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes with out joining into a binary network.
Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy...
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files...
Ellen Degeneres virus: Disks can no longer be inserted...
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush Virus: It stats by boldly stating 'read my text...no new files' on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the congress virus.
George Bush Virus (Japanese strain): Eats some of your files, then immediatly regergitiates them.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your program can never be found again.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files...
Joke Virus: Poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer then e-mails everyone about what it did...
Lorena Bobbit virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows...
Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
MCI virus: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that your paying to much for the AT&T virus.
Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after two bytes...
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care...
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right to life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a councilor about possible alternatives.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves our data, but forgets where it is stored...
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componet of your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Viagra virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy...
Windows is not a virus:
Here's what viruses do:
- The replicate quickly. - okay, Windows does that.
- Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. - okey, Windows does that.
- Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. - okey, Windows does that too.
- Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too.
- Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So there! Windows is NOT a virus.
Programming languages as "Shooting Yourself in the Foot":
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot/
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o No such file or directory % ls %
XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to to do it, but the syntax doesn't alow it to explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.